I HATE this

I know I do a lot of bitching on this blog. About not getting pregnant, my animals, stuff like that. But what I want to talk about today is serious. I want to talk about my bi polar disorder and all the problems it causes me. Nobody really can understand what its like. You are constantly on the verge of tears, you try to act happy but sometimes...life gets to be too much. And it can be the most simple of things. My dog has a wet sounding cough. A normal person would call the vet and set up an appointment, make sure she doesn't have a cold. A bi polar person, someone like me, thinks the worst. My brain says "Congestive heart failure. We are going to have to make 'the big decision'." THAT is what bi polar is like. Simple things are instantly blown out of proportion, everything is a crisis and you feel overwhelmed. Your heart slams, your breathing gets shakey and you feel sick to your stomach. And the worst part? Its with you. All. The damn. Time. Nothing is ever a small matter, stupid shit becomes a major incident and you can't even enjoy life. Really, you can't. This is what the chemicals in your brain can do to you. Make you into a raving goddamn lunatic. A wet cough becomes congestive heart failure, the dog is acting strange and its The End. A simple case of the dog not feeling well to her stomach, and consciously I KNOW that's all it is, but the chemicals are so out of whack that I fear the worst. My worst fear is when we actually DO have to make The Big Decision. Will I be alone when the time comes? How can I drive her all the way to Brewer, KNOWING what the end of the ride will mean? How can I not feel like such a deceiver for asking her to 'go for a ride' and putting her in that car to have a needle put in her neck? I want it to be peaceful. I want her to go in her sleep so we can bury her here on the property. Why am I thinking this shit when it could be months, even YEARS off? Because of the damn bi polar. Your brain is your worst enemy. You can't walk away from it, you can't ignore it and you sure in hell can't make it go away. It is with you 24/7/365. You cannot escape it. I want to be as I once was. I don't want the dark thoughts, the anger, the worry, the incredible anxiety. I won't lie. Sometimes it does push me to the brink and I do wonder if maybe death wouldn't be preferrable. ANYTHING ANYTHING to make it stop. To have a day where I don't feel that black rage at simple little irritants, where I don't want to cry at a simple song, where I. Feel. Normal. No more panic attacks, no more days where I literally feel blank. God...to just feel something that isn't negative. Why me? Why did this particular disorder have to hit me? Will it ever get better? Is it going to get worse? And can I possibly survive it if it gets worse than it is right now? Because this is nightmare.